and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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