i jhust puked up my retainher.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
