thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
