His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
