first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
