Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
