I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
