at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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