Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
