Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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