Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
