Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
