I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
