I didn't shave. On purpose
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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