Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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