I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
