I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
