I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
