I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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