I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
