What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
