I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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