Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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