I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
