Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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