just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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