I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You brought string cheese to the strip club
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
