what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
