It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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