I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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