i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
