theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
