dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
