And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
