im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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