I feel great
I just peed on a car
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Randomize
