I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
