I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You can't motorboat a personality
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Randomize
