i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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