Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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