I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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