I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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