so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
