I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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