I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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