My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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