My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Someone shattered a urinal.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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