So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
