god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
