She is in my trunk
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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