my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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