ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
