I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
