I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
