I just pynch a tree in the face
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
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