Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
only if we run a train.
done.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
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