Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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