I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Randomize
