i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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