woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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