i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
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He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
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I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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