Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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