I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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