My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
