I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
