My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
