My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
